Seb's Web

Want to live longer and reverse ageing? Or maybe lose weight and stave off dementia. Why not manage stress and regain some of that attention span while you’re at it? New studies from Fàncÿ University have shown you can be healthier, happier, and increase or decrease your desired appendages by doing exactly what you think you should actually be doing.

It seems that every day there’s a new study coming out with tips on better living, which you’ll click because life could be better instead of… (gestures vaguely) like this. Or maybe you browse your favourite crack-like website and stumble upon a much too long op-ed from a bald guy with glasses that has found this one secret for better living after twenty years of talking to experts.

I click on those articles as if they’re going to give me the winning lottery numbers. Well, I say click, I usually save the link for later because I’m doing something more important, like watching a celebrity I haven’t thought about in 6 months eat spicy chicken. But then a Saturday comes where the YouTube queue is reasonably empty so I open 93 tabs of saved articles and go through them at lightning speed.

Because most “content” is bullshit. I saved a boring 15 page story about someone putting up a fence (I wish I was kidding), a travel guide for a remote place that’s two monthly salaries worth of airfare to get to, a true crime piece about a case that’s been solved 20 years ago, and the list goes on and on and on. The whole internet’s a never ending and “enshittified” feed of things designed to draw your already-limited attention span. It would take you lifetimes to go through all of it and even if you crammed it all that into one day you won’t remember any of it by lunch tomorrow – with the probable exception of Keyboard Cat.

This already feels like a recipe article where the preamble is a shaggy-dog story about the author’s “journey”. So here it is, pretty much all the advice you’ll ever read for better-living, boiled down into a god damn bullet list.

• Eat food – not too much; mostly plants. Michael Pollan’s rule covers everything: cut out ultra-processed food, reduce meat and animal products, have smaller portions, do regular fasting sessions. You know the rest, Mediterranean diet, lots of fruit and veg, berries and nuts, olive oil…
• Hydrate – Bottoms up – more water and less of anything else. Duh-doy!
• Move – Exercise, take the stairs, walk, dance, break-dance, waltz. Whether it’s cardio, strength training, HIIT or another workout fad, just don’t stay in place for too long. Mens sana in corpore sano, and all that jazz.
• Sleep tight – don’t let the bed bugs bite. 7+ hours per night, maybe in a cool room, maybe wake up earlier. You do you, just don’t stay up too late even if Love Island’s on at 11:30 PM, because tiredness adds up like limescale in a kettle and you can’t make up sleep later.
• Mind your vices – Your mom already told you this, but you shouldn’t smoke or inhale any other crap and you should keep alcohol and other uppers and downers to a minimum. I know, that’s a downer in itself.
• Healthy mind – Do puzzles, crossword, sudoku, meditation, journaling. Or spend some time doing nothing. Just don’t let the mind turn to mush.
• Stay curious – Pick up new hobbies, learn and try new things all the time. Continuous learning is a staple of keeping mind and memory active. Don’t even ask, but video essays and multi-part tik-toks obviously don’t count.
• Socialize – Most people suck, a few don’t, but no people is worse. Having a few close friends and going out improves life. And hey, they might know a good joke or two, even if it’s stolen from Jimmy Carr.
• Nature is your friend – Can you believe that homo sapiens has evolved to be in nature and not entombed in plastic and concrete? It’s true. Naturally, then, anything from keeping a plant on your desk to gardening and hiking will improve your life in one way or another. Did this also remind you to water that ficus? Go now, I’ll wait.
• Fail gloriously – This one’s a lesson I got from improv classes, but it’s a life saver in other areas. Just do what you can, keep at it and then try again. Chipping away at any bad habit is better than giving up. Don’t get down if you lose your streak and do the best you can – wait, why are you even keeping track of streaks?

That’s it, saved you a lot of bother. Of course, there are infinite variations on these things and there isn’t a day where a new “tip” or “hack” won’t pop up.

Oh no, you should sleep in natural fibers with a room temperature gradient of 19.57-22.19°C; wait, don’t eat that nut, it’s got heavy metals in it, eat this new berry instead; are you even spending 5 minutes in direct sunlight or do you just hate your body; stop eating chocolate, just roast cocoa beans in this brand new Air Fryer from Brand-O™.

I won’t go on. It’s tiring and I have a lot to do and a tight schedule. There’s only 24 hours in a day, I haven’t watched Succession yet or any other trendy series, and I also have to somehow include all those 10 bullet points into my life or it’s implied that I’ll die at 42, drunk, fat, unhappy and drooling.
Good luck!